Andrea Gressman

The other day I was reading an article from a mama who lost her daughter. She said that even though her daughter died she still had the strongest desire to continue on mothering her in any way she could. So she talked about her. Told stories about her. She acknowledged her life in every way she could.   It clicked.  That is the same desire I have for Kanton. It is my desire to continue on to mother him in any way I can. Hence the reason why I have put so much thought into where to bury him. Why I continue to talk about him and remember things like when was supposed to be his birthday. Why I fight so hard to keep the memory of him alive.  It isn’t because I want to sit in this grief. It isn’t because I “was” his mother. It is because I am his mother. You just can’t turn that off. It goes to the very core of who I am. It goes back to my purpose here on earth.  I know it is difficult for so many to understand. There are those who think that I should just move on alre

As I have shared on here before one of my struggles through the loss of my son is where to bury him. I know this would not be an issue for everyone out there, and that is okay, but it has been an issue for me. The funeral home has been so very kind in letting me have the time I need to find the peace I need for this next step. They graciously said they would take care of my sweet Kanton until my heart was settled. Ultimately, I want my son's body close to me right now. I want to be able to visit him often. I finally felt like my heart was settling on a little cemetery that I can literally see from my back yard. I told my husband that I wanted him in the closest corner to our house. Well, this week my husband went and spoke to the man who runs the cemetery. There were only 3 plots left and one of the plots is the exact same plot I wanted. I felt this overwhelming feeling when I heard this. Like God was saying: I knew this would be hard for you and I saved a spot for

Two months ago today we found out our baby was gone. And in case anyone is wondering - no, it hasn’t gotten any easier. I still miss him every single moment of every single day. My heart is still broken. It certainly hasn’t gone away. I am absolutely not “better”. I still physically ache for his loss. I still cry every single day. Yesterday I was at a store and randomly the cashier told me that in August it will be 5 years since she lost her son. My heart melted. Then I felt this heavinesss to share with her that I just lost my son as well. Two months ago tomorrow, I said. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “It never gets easier and it never goes away.” Then she came around to my side of the counter and gave me a hug. I fought the tears as hard as I could but the emotions won. We both cried. She said, “It doesn’t matter how old they are when you lose them, you will miss him the rest of your life.” I know she is right. Every day there are sti

This post is changing pace for me a bit. I still wanted to share as it was laid on my heart this morning as I was thinking of and praying for my children. We are a baseball family. Both my husband and I played ball and love the sport tremendously. Currently I have 4 kids playing on 4 different teams so that definitely keeps us hopping. My oldest played when he was younger but it just wasn't his thing and that is totally okay. We want our kids to play a variety of sports so they can get a feel for them all and then they are free to choose which ones they enjoy the most and focus on those. We do value sports in general a great deal as we do feel like you learn a variety of important life skills while participating. But that is a post for another day. My boys are all so very different. They have different likes and dislikes, different talents, and very different personalities. We do our best to help each one of them navigate through life and develop the character they need t

Since losing my sweet boy church is one of the hardest places for me to be. As soon as worship starts it is like my soul becomes so vulnerable and raw... the emotions are right there at the surface. I have an encounter with Jesus every single time. I am not saying that is a bad thing. I am not saying that I shouldn't do it. I am just saying it is hard. It is the most raw and real kind of encounter. There is no playing it safe. No being timid. It is literally meeting my grief head on each and every time. I can feel the Lord pressing in and I have a decision to make... I can retreat or I can allow Him to press in and do the work in me that He needs to do in me. Again, this isn't easy. I feel so very deeply in these moments. The emotions are so strong. But I know if I want to make any progress in the grieving process I have to let myself feel. Ignoring these, pushing them aside, burying them, sweeping them under the rug, allowing myself to be and stay distracted - that