Skip to main content

Church is Hard for Me Right Now

Since losing my sweet boy church is one of the hardest places for me to be.

As soon as worship starts it is like my soul becomes so vulnerable and raw... the emotions are right there at the surface.

I have an encounter with Jesus every single time. I am not saying that is a bad thing. I am not saying that I shouldn't do it. I am just saying it is hard.

It is the most raw and real kind of encounter. There is no playing it safe. No being timid. It is literally meeting my grief head on each and every time.

I can feel the Lord pressing in and I have a decision to make... I can retreat or I can allow Him to press in and do the work in me that He needs to do in me. Again, this isn't easy.

I feel so very deeply in these moments. The emotions are so strong. But I know if I want to make any progress in the grieving process I have to let myself feel. Ignoring these, pushing them aside, burying them, sweeping them under the rug, allowing myself to be and stay distracted - that will not help me or my family in the long term. Because the truth is that I will either feel and process these emotions now or they will continue to resurface at the same level until I do.

There are these moments that you have to meet them head on and church, for me, brings that about head on.

It brings me to my knees.

It is also the place where I can make the decision to say....

I still love you Lord even though my heart is broken.
I still love you Lord even though I hurt so badly.
I still love you Lord even though I am grieving so deeply.
I still love you Lord even though you didn't save my baby.

Here is the tricky thing about faith... choosing to still have it even when something doesn't go your way. Faith is easy when everything is going your way.

Choosing to see that God is still good and loving even though you lost big... that's a bit more challenging.

I can say with my whole heart that I have the deepest faith that He has a good plan for my life - even though it doesn't feel very good right now. But even more so.... I know he has a good plan for Kanton's life. My faith gives me the most precious of gifts. First, my own salvation. But my faith also means that my son also has eternal life and I will see him again. I choose to continue to have faith.

I know my mama heart desperately wants my sweet boy here with me. That isn't going to change until I get to Heaven and see him again. And I am not going to apologize or feel bad for feeling that way because God is also the one that wired my mama heart the way He did. But my faith in the Lord is greater than that and I choose to trust in Him.

So, I will keep going to church... even though it is hard for me right now.

Other posts in this series:

My Grief Journey
The Beginning of Loss
The First of the Hard Decisions 
Put One Foot in Front of the Other
Leaving Him Behind
Telling Our Children Their Brother was Gone
Labels:

Comments

  1. UnknownJuly 8, 2019 at 6:28 PM

    Thank you for sharing your story and struggles, Andrea. I agree that church is so hard. I just lost my son 2 weeks ago. I haven't been back to church yet, but my husband and I, along with our three living children, have been having church at home. It has been a wonderful time of praise and discussion about God along with his will for our lives. I know I will have to go back to church in another week or so, because you are right, that is a great place to come face to face with Jesus and are meet our grief head on. I lost another son 2 years ago and experienced the same struggle. After many months I was able to sit through a service without all of my ugly cries. But sometimes sitting at the feet of Jesus and just weeping in your pain is what you need to heal as I am sure you have experienced. I am sorry for your loss and the grief you are experiencing. Praise the Lord this is not our home and we will see our babies again one day. Praying for you!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Peaceful Noise

I am a mom of five. My house is rarely quiet. My children make noise from sun-up to sun-down.  Between my baby's babbles, my 16 year old's deep conversations, and the other 3's seemingly constant requests there is someone always wanting my time and attention.  But if you sit and listen. Amongst the surface chaos you will find these moments of peace.  Peaceful noise.  When the squabbling stops and the encouragement begins. When they become each other's biggest fans. Their best advocates.  And their greatest defenders.  When one of the siblings puts their Legos down, sets their football aside, or puts a bookmark in their latest read to make the baby giggle and feel loved in a way only a big brother or sister can.  When you can hear your little one practice their new found skill of reading - you just can't help to beam with pride as you know they have just opened the door to a whole new world.  When you can hear them talk through a math problem they ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Pieces

When you lose someone you love. Someone you deeply cherish.  You covet the little pieces of their lives that they have left behind.  The sweet memories.  A handwritten note.  A precious gift.  All of these are treasures.  These are bitter but mostly sweet.  For you are sharply aware of the magnitude of the pain of their loss. But remembering their love outweighs the sadness of that moment.  How sad it would be. Tragic in fact.  To live life beyond them. Without these messages of love from them.  My precious girt has outgrown a gift from her papa who passed last March.  But before we parted with it we spotted a special little addition he had added when he gifted it to her.  A "spoiled" license plate.  And he was one of her biggest spoilers.  It was fun to remember how he used to love on her so. 
Post a Comment
Read more

Where Have I Been?

Recently I found myself in this place.  I don't really know how to describe it.  I felt like I was just completely closed off.  Like I had experienced so much heartache and pain in my life that I was just done.  I was done feeling.  I was definitely done being hurt. And if anyone had hurt me in the past - well I was done with them too.  After all, they had proven to be unsafe, unhealthy, and toxic to my life.  Why would I want to keep exposing myself to that?  I found myself in this place. And I didn't like.  I desperately wanted peace. And in my desperation I thought if I removed all the people that were robbing my peace... If I built those walls... If I just don't let them in... Somehow I would find peace.  But I was experiencing the exact opposite. And I was slowly beginning to give up on the idea that I could ever experience the type of peace I desired on this side of Heaven.  Several months ago I as invited to a conference and ...
Post a Comment
Read more