Skip to main content

Put One Foot in Front of the Other

Somehow I fell asleep the night we found out Kanton was gone. I was utterly and completely exhausted on all levels. However, when I woke up the next morning I wished I hadn't fallen asleep at all.

Waking up to only realize the nightmare I thought I was having was actually the reality I was living was crushing. To this day I hate going to sleep because in my dreams Kanton is still here. But when I wake up in the morning it is like I have to relive his loss all over again. I have to remind myself that I am not pregnant any longer and the next time I will see him will be in Heaven.

My journal entry from that day:

We had to be at the hospital early to deliver Kanton, which was an hour and a half away from our home. I dreaded the morning but it came anyway. I forced myself to get out of bed and then I just sat there. I couldn't move. I asked God, "How can I do today?" He whispered to me, "Just put one foot in front of the other. I will do the rest." 

 I didn't realize at the time that would be a common and constant theme of this journey.

I went on to write:

I got to the hospital and started filling out papers to even get admitted. I remember the lady having me sign papers consenting to treat my baby once he was born. She had no idea that he was no longer alive and there would be no treatment. I fought back the tears fiercely and just signed the paperwork anyway without saying a word. 

I got to my room and they started asking questions like - what funeral home do you want to come and get your baby? Funeral home? I have no idea what funeral home I want. 

 We had to fill out paperwork for his death certificate - graciously, my sweet husband just took the clipboard from me and filled it out for me. 

 I put the hospital gown on and sat on the bed. I remember the silence was so heavy. The nurse was so kind. She did her job well. She said Kanton's name a lot. Each time she said it there was a sting to my heart but also thankfulness at the same time. His name was not going to be said very often, I knew that. So I was thankful for the times she did use it.

At one point the director from the funeral home came to meet with us. He was such a nice man and definitely gifted at his job. I am not sure how you come into a delivery room and sit before two grieving parents like he did but he did it well. He answered our questions - ones that I never knew I was even going to have to ask. Like, what was going to happen to my little boy? Where was he going to go? How long did we have to decide on where to bury him?

There was a photo of a yellow daffodil hanging on the wall across from the bed. I stared at it most of the day. I knew from then on whenever I saw a daffodil I would remember my sweet Kanton.

Normally I have very fast labors but I had a feeling that this one was not going to be that way. I was right. It was my longest and hardest labor. My body fought to keep him in. Perhaps it was my heart too, I don't know.

In the beginning I embraced the physical pain as it was something to distract me from the immense amount of emotional pain I was experiencing. But in the end I just found myself exhausted. I kept praying and asking God to be with me when I finally had him. I was so afraid it was going to be too much for me to bare.

At 6:50 pm on May 10th, 2019 I gave birth to my precious Kanton Jasper Gressman. I can honestly say that there was absolutely nothing left of me and God just completely took over. The nurse lovingly dressed him and wrapped him up in a blanket. My husband and I took turns holding him. I did my best to memorize his sweet face because I knew it was the one and only time I would get to see it until I see him again in Heaven.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Story of Sweet Baby Feet

I went into the room of my little boy, Cayse, the other 'morning while he was still sleeping and  saw these sweet little feet poking out from under his blanket. I was immediately taken back to seven years ago when I was actually pregnant with him.   I was diagnosed with cancer in 2011. I was placed in remission in 2012. We were told I would not be able to have any more kids due to all the treatment I had to receive so you can imagine our surprise when we found out we were expecting this sweet little man in 2014.  At that time, I was struggling every single day with fatigue. I was barely able to take care of the 4 kids I had and here God was going to hand me another baby... I was scared. Then you add our history of pregnancy loss and the fact that I had who knows what steadily pumped into my body for nearly a year prior to this pregnancy...  To top it all off, these sweet little feet.... Who would have known they would cause so much excitement. He would hold them just like this when
Post a Comment
Read more

Mothering My Son Even Though He’s Gone

The other day I was reading an article from a mama who lost her daughter. She said that even though her daughter died she still had the strongest desire to continue on mothering her in any way she could. So she talked about her. Told stories about her. She acknowledged her life in every way she could.   It clicked.  That is the same desire I have for Kanton. It is my desire to continue on to mother him in any way I can. Hence the reason why I have put so much thought into where to bury him. Why I continue to talk about him and remember things like when was supposed to be his birthday. Why I fight so hard to keep the memory of him alive.  It isn’t because I want to sit in this grief. It isn’t because I “was” his mother. It is because I am his mother. You just can’t turn that off. It goes to the very core of who I am. It goes back to my purpose here on earth.  I know it is difficult for so many to understand. There are those who think that I should just move on alre
Post a Comment
Read more

Peaceful Noise

I am a mom of five. My house is rarely quiet. My children make noise from sun-up to sun-down.  Between my baby's babbles, my 16 year old's deep conversations, and the other 3's seemingly constant requests there is someone always wanting my time and attention.  But if you sit and listen. Amongst the surface chaos you will find these moments of peace.  Peaceful noise.  When the squabbling stops and the encouragement begins. When they become each other's biggest fans. Their best advocates.  And their greatest defenders.  When one of the siblings puts their Legos down, sets their football aside, or puts a bookmark in their latest read to make the baby giggle and feel loved in a way only a big brother or sister can.  When you can hear your little one practice their new found skill of reading - you just can't help to beam with pride as you know they have just opened the door to a whole new world.  When you can hear them talk through a math problem they just did in their h
Post a Comment
Read more