I recently read an article written by another mama of a stillborn. It was the one year anniversary of her loss. She made the comment that she was surprised at how many hard days she had experienced in the last year. She thought that when she found out her little boy was gone that would be the worst of it but she had experienced many hard days since then - some she felt were even harder. There is so much truth here. At least for me there is.
I would think there would be no harder moment than finding out my baby no longer has a heartbeat. But then there was.
Then I would think there would be no harder time than the 33 hours from the moment I found out he was gone to when I delivered Kanton. But then there was.
Then I would think there would be no harder moment than leaving him at the hospital, or going to the funeral home, or his funeral... I just kept thinking that if I could survive this moment or that moment that it would get easier. I especially thought this after his funeral. I thought tomorrow will be a better day. Then it wasn't. It was actually a really hard day for me.
There was no explanation other than I was just grieving.
The frustrating thing for me is that I will think that I am making "progress" and then the next day I will just struggle again - sometimes worse off than before. It is almost as if I am completely starting over.
I know I am going to struggle on days like yesterday, the one month anniversary of finding out he was gone, or today, the one month anniversary of delivering him. I can prepare myself for those days. I can read more scripture, pray more often, prepare myself mentally for it to be a hard day. But it is all those other days in between that are seemingly insignificant but for whatever reason become significant that make this process that much harder.
For a person like me, who likes to measure progress, this makes this journey even more difficult. But we can't think of grief like a ladder. We aren't in the bottom of the pit of grief climbing our way out of it until we are "all better". We can't think of our grief as a physical injury where you initially injure yourself but if you go to the doctor, get it bandaged up, and listen the doctors instructions day-by-day it will get better. Our emotions just don't work that way. Grief doesn't work that way. Some days will be hard and other days will be really hard.
Sometimes there will be something that triggers the emotions and sometimes there is no reason at all, it just happens.
Yet in my frustration as I go through the turbulence of grief I am reminded of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:
I am reminded that God has made a time for each and every emotion I am feeling. So there will be times that I am able to smile and laugh but then there will be times where I will be in tears. But most importantly, if I trust Him with everything else in my life - like the care of my sweet Kanton - then I can certainly trust Him with my grief too - even if I don't understand it.
I have to remind myself that I am not experiencing these emotions because there is something wrong with me. It also wasn't my choice to enter into this grief period either. It is something that just happened to me. It is what I do with my grief that makes the difference and as long as I am drawing closer to God instead of allowing it to separate me from Him then His grace will be enough.
I would think there would be no harder moment than finding out my baby no longer has a heartbeat. But then there was.
Then I would think there would be no harder time than the 33 hours from the moment I found out he was gone to when I delivered Kanton. But then there was.
Then I would think there would be no harder moment than leaving him at the hospital, or going to the funeral home, or his funeral... I just kept thinking that if I could survive this moment or that moment that it would get easier. I especially thought this after his funeral. I thought tomorrow will be a better day. Then it wasn't. It was actually a really hard day for me.
There was no explanation other than I was just grieving.
The frustrating thing for me is that I will think that I am making "progress" and then the next day I will just struggle again - sometimes worse off than before. It is almost as if I am completely starting over.
I know I am going to struggle on days like yesterday, the one month anniversary of finding out he was gone, or today, the one month anniversary of delivering him. I can prepare myself for those days. I can read more scripture, pray more often, prepare myself mentally for it to be a hard day. But it is all those other days in between that are seemingly insignificant but for whatever reason become significant that make this process that much harder.
For a person like me, who likes to measure progress, this makes this journey even more difficult. But we can't think of grief like a ladder. We aren't in the bottom of the pit of grief climbing our way out of it until we are "all better". We can't think of our grief as a physical injury where you initially injure yourself but if you go to the doctor, get it bandaged up, and listen the doctors instructions day-by-day it will get better. Our emotions just don't work that way. Grief doesn't work that way. Some days will be hard and other days will be really hard.
Sometimes there will be something that triggers the emotions and sometimes there is no reason at all, it just happens.
Yet in my frustration as I go through the turbulence of grief I am reminded of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:
A Time for Everything
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
I am reminded that God has made a time for each and every emotion I am feeling. So there will be times that I am able to smile and laugh but then there will be times where I will be in tears. But most importantly, if I trust Him with everything else in my life - like the care of my sweet Kanton - then I can certainly trust Him with my grief too - even if I don't understand it.
I have to remind myself that I am not experiencing these emotions because there is something wrong with me. It also wasn't my choice to enter into this grief period either. It is something that just happened to me. It is what I do with my grief that makes the difference and as long as I am drawing closer to God instead of allowing it to separate me from Him then His grace will be enough.
2 Corinthians 12:9 New International Version (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
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