I can say the first thing we both thought was - no - no, we wouldn't have a funeral. We hadn't done a funeral before with our other losses and this time wouldn't be any different. Personally, the idea of a funeral sounded beyond painful. Jason and I would just hunker down and grieve privately like we had with the others.
However, one of the nurses gently pressed us a little more on the idea of having a funeral. She reminded us that our children were older this time around and it would be helpful to them to be able to say goodbye to their brother. I still wasn't thrilled about the idea just because I knew how difficult it would be to get through but I will do anything I can to help my children through the grieving process of this and if this would help them then I would endure. It would also give us another way to honor Kanton’s life and for that I would endure as well.
Although I knew it would be difficult to get through the funeral itself I had no idea the mental anguish that would go into the planning of it. I have helped plan many other funerals in my life and it is never easy - but none of those funerals were for my child.
The Funeral Home
On the morning of May 14th we had our appointment with the funeral home director. It was all I could do to get through it. Even the anticipation of the appointment was just so heavy. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin and all I could do was pace. My husband offered to go by himself but it was something I felt like I needed to be apart of.
Here are my words from that day:
Today was the funeral home... and I feel like i am day one again. Worse than day one. Day one largely represented mostly shock mixed with denial. I don't have that luxury any longer. Day by day my reality has become heavier.
The pain in my heart is excruciating. Often times I feel like I just can't breath. The image I was given today was of Jesus carrying his own cross to Calvary. His body battered and bruised. So unfair. What happened to Jesus is the very definition of unfair.
The Obituary
The funeral director asked us if we wanted an obituary or not. I know many would have said no. I almost just said no too. How do you write an obituary for someone who was born still? But then in a split second I felt something inside me say that I needed to do it even if it was hard. It was going to give me another opportunity to honor my sweet boy's life. So I said yes to the obituary.
Deciding Where to Bury My Baby
This is something that I struggled with from day one and I am honestly still struggling with today - burying Kanton. I am so grateful that the funeral home said we can take all the time we need to make this decision. I don't expect others to understand and I actually expect to receive quite a bit of judgement on this if I am being honest.
This is one of those things that I just don't think you can understand until you have to walk it out yourself and, even then, our grief is such a personal thing that 10 people could go through the exact same experience we are right now and for 9 of them this would not be an issue like it is for me. But that doesn't change the fact that it is still an issue for me that I am needing to work through. So for now I just keep praying that God gives me a peace about this eventually but I know I don't have that peace today.
Finally, the funeral director showed us the tiny coffin they use to lay babies to rest - it was pure agony. Parents should never have to bury their children. I finally just had to leave. It was just too much for me.
The Flowers & Music
The funeral plans did not end with the funeral home meeting. We still had to decide on the flowers, music, and the other details of the funeral.
My sweet husband called the flower shop for me. We ordered three arrangements- one for the casket, one from us as his parents, and one from his siblings. Because of the picture on the wall in our delivery room I asked that daffodils be used if at all possible.
The songs that were going to be used was something that was very important to me as music is so meaningful to me. We chose three songs.
Gone Too Soon by Daughtry
Homesick by MercyMe
Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman
As difficult as it is for me to still listen to these songs - and I imagine that will never change - I absolutely believe that they captured what our hearts were/are going through with the loss of our son.
Other posts in this series:
My Grief Journey
The Beginning of Loss
The First of the Hard Decisions
Put One Foot in Front of the Other
Leaving Him Behind
///[Feel free to subscribe to keep up with my latest posts.]\\\
Although I knew it would be difficult to get through the funeral itself I had no idea the mental anguish that would go into the planning of it. I have helped plan many other funerals in my life and it is never easy - but none of those funerals were for my child.
The Funeral Home
On the morning of May 14th we had our appointment with the funeral home director. It was all I could do to get through it. Even the anticipation of the appointment was just so heavy. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin and all I could do was pace. My husband offered to go by himself but it was something I felt like I needed to be apart of.
Here are my words from that day:
Today was the funeral home... and I feel like i am day one again. Worse than day one. Day one largely represented mostly shock mixed with denial. I don't have that luxury any longer. Day by day my reality has become heavier.
The pain in my heart is excruciating. Often times I feel like I just can't breath. The image I was given today was of Jesus carrying his own cross to Calvary. His body battered and bruised. So unfair. What happened to Jesus is the very definition of unfair.
The Obituary
The funeral director asked us if we wanted an obituary or not. I know many would have said no. I almost just said no too. How do you write an obituary for someone who was born still? But then in a split second I felt something inside me say that I needed to do it even if it was hard. It was going to give me another opportunity to honor my sweet boy's life. So I said yes to the obituary.
Deciding Where to Bury My Baby
This is something that I struggled with from day one and I am honestly still struggling with today - burying Kanton. I am so grateful that the funeral home said we can take all the time we need to make this decision. I don't expect others to understand and I actually expect to receive quite a bit of judgement on this if I am being honest.
This is one of those things that I just don't think you can understand until you have to walk it out yourself and, even then, our grief is such a personal thing that 10 people could go through the exact same experience we are right now and for 9 of them this would not be an issue like it is for me. But that doesn't change the fact that it is still an issue for me that I am needing to work through. So for now I just keep praying that God gives me a peace about this eventually but I know I don't have that peace today.
Finally, the funeral director showed us the tiny coffin they use to lay babies to rest - it was pure agony. Parents should never have to bury their children. I finally just had to leave. It was just too much for me.
The Flowers & Music
The funeral plans did not end with the funeral home meeting. We still had to decide on the flowers, music, and the other details of the funeral.
My sweet husband called the flower shop for me. We ordered three arrangements- one for the casket, one from us as his parents, and one from his siblings. Because of the picture on the wall in our delivery room I asked that daffodils be used if at all possible.
The songs that were going to be used was something that was very important to me as music is so meaningful to me. We chose three songs.
Gone Too Soon by Daughtry
Homesick by MercyMe
Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman
As difficult as it is for me to still listen to these songs - and I imagine that will never change - I absolutely believe that they captured what our hearts were/are going through with the loss of our son.
Other posts in this series:
My Grief Journey
The Beginning of Loss
The First of the Hard Decisions
Put One Foot in Front of the Other
Leaving Him Behind
///[Feel free to subscribe to keep up with my latest posts.]\\\
Comments
Post a Comment