Andrea Gressman

Somehow I fell asleep the night we found out Kanton was gone. I was utterly and completely exhausted on all levels. However, when I woke up the next morning I wished I hadn't fallen asleep at all. Waking up to only realize the nightmare I thought I was having was actually the reality I was living was crushing. To this day I hate going to sleep because in my dreams Kanton is still here. But when I wake up in the morning it is like I have to relive his loss all over again. I have to remind myself that I am not pregnant any longer and the next time I will see him will be in Heaven. My journal entry from that day: We had to be at the hospital early to deliver Kanton, which was an hour and a half away from our home. I dreaded the morning but it came anyway. I forced myself to get out of bed and then I just sat there. I couldn't move. I asked God, "How can I do today?" He whispered to me, "Just put one foot in front of the other. I will do the rest."  I ...

Having a stillborn is difficult on so many levels. A pastor sent us a sympathy card and in it he said in all the years he has been doing funerals that the stillbirths were always the hardest for him. One minute you think everything is fine and then it's just not. One minute you are experiencing one of the most joyful experiences of your life - you are preparing to have a child. Then the next minute you are discovering your child has died. As if that isn't horrible enough, you then have to decide when you want to allow them to induce your labor so you can deliver your lifeless child. My words from that day:  "There is a really unfair process to having a stillborn baby. You find out your child is gone - there is no longer a heartbeat - but then you have to go through the labor and delivery of the baby. the only word I can use to describe this is that it is just cruel." I knew this was coming. Although this was my first stillbirth, I have miscarried before and ...