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The First of the Hard Decisions

Having a stillborn is difficult on so many levels. A pastor sent us a sympathy card and in it he said in all the years he has been doing funerals that the stillbirths were always the hardest for him.

One minute you think everything is fine and then it's just not. One minute you are experiencing one of the most joyful experiences of your life - you are preparing to have a child. Then the next minute you are discovering your child has died.

As if that isn't horrible enough, you then have to decide when you want to allow them to induce your labor so you can deliver your lifeless child.

My words from that day: "There is a really unfair process to having a stillborn baby. You find out your child is gone - there is no longer a heartbeat - but then you have to go through the labor and delivery of the baby. the only word I can use to describe this is that it is just cruel."

I knew this was coming. Although this was my first stillbirth, I have miscarried before and 2 of them were just under the 20 week mark. (Anything past 20 weeks is considered a stillbirth.) For those 2 losses I also had to be induced and go through the labor and delivery process. So as the doctor entered the ultrasound room I knew what the conversation was going lead to. I actually think the fact that I knew it was coming made it even harder for me.

How do you plan the induction of your stillborn baby with only 3 days until Mother's Day? My journal entry from that day: "Today we found out Kanton is gone. Now I have to make the heartbreaking decision on when I want to deliver my baby. With Mother's Day just 3 days away  I just need it to be sooner than later. So, we have chosen to do it tomorrow."

I knew I didn't want to have him on Mother's Day. Despite how horrible our current situation was and that I was going to be at the depth of grief I knew I would want to be with my children and not laying in a hospital bed without them.

I also knew I didn't want to still be carrying him on Mother's Day. I knew that my body wasn't even close to being ready to deliver and it would likely take some time. So much was swirling in my mind and the last thing I wanted to do was make any of these decisions. But they had to be made. That is the thing about death and loss. You are forced into this situation where so many decisions have to be made in such a short period of time that you had no plan on ever making.

We ultimately decided that we would go home (an hour and a half away from the hospital) make arrangements for our children and come back early the next morning. We rode home in silence. What do you say? What can you say? There are no words big enough to fill the void we each felt in that moment.

Shock and disbelief would be the only way I would be able to accurately describe what I experienced for the rest of that day and night. It was just too much to wrap my mind around. My baby was gone.


Other posts in this series:

My Grief Journey
The Beginning of Loss
Put One Foot in Front of the Other
Leaving Him Behind
Telling Our Children Their Baby Brother was Gone
Planning the Funeral
The Funeral

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