The Funeral

I absolutely dreaded this day - May 16th, 2019. I just didn't want to do it. Once again, God spoke to my heart and just told me to put one foot in front of the other and He would do the rest.

I remember that I put a baseball game on. The Minnesota Twins were playing and I needed to do something - anything - to keep my mind off what was to come.

As much as I love the people in my life I knew it was going to be unbelievably difficult to be around them during this time. I knew the rawness of my grief was going to come out. There would be nothing I could do to hide it and I felt so unbelievably vulnerable and completely unable to protect myself from the hurt that I was experiencing.

I didn't journal at all that day - I just couldn't. I was in this fog of all consuming grief and there was no processing of emotions to be done that day. The emotions won. They took over. There was nothing rational to be found. So I watched baseball until it was time to go.

I did make a special request and that was that once they brought Kanton from the funeral home that I would be able to sit with him in the sanctuary for a few minutes before everyone got there. I knew this was going to be the last opportunity I would have to be with his little body. So I sat by my phone watching the Twin's game and waited for my husband to text me to let me know the funeral director had arrived with my sweet boy.

Finally the text came.

My husband escorted me into the empty sanctuary. I was physically shaking as the tears began to pour down my cheeks. All that was there were all the beautiful flowers we had ordered and people had sent us and my sweet Kanton laying in his tiny coffin.

I sat next to him on the stage steps and I wept.

I think in that moment I experienced the deepest grief that I have ever experienced in my life. It had been 7 days since we found out our boy was gone and it was like every second of the grief that had built up in that 7 day period came pouring out through my tears in that moment. I cried for him. I cried for my babies that I lost before. I cried for my children this side of Heaven and the grief they were experiencing.

I just cried.

I cried only as a mother who had just lost her baby could cry.

The funeral was beautiful. It was as honoring to Kanton as I could have ever hoped for. The pastor, who had traveled from 6 hours away with his wife to do our son's service, did a tremendous job. Our close friend played the three songs we selected beautifully. The outpouring of love of all those who attended was truly overwhelming. Our family felt so loved.

I had dreaded the funeral so very much and it was honestly one of the hardest thing I have ever had to endure but in the end I was so thankful we did it.

By the end of the service I had nothing left. I felt like God had completely taken over and was lovingly carrying me through until the end.

Other posts in this series:

My Grief Journey
The Beginning of Loss
The First of the Hard Decisions 
Put One Foot in Front of the Other
Leaving Him Behind

Telling Our Children Their Brother was Gone
Planning the Funeral

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