Skip to main content

The Beginning of Loss

Just like all journeys there always has to be a beginning. Ours occurred the morning of May 9th, 2019 when we found out our sweet Kanton Jasper no longer had a heartbeat and was in the arms of Jesus. I was in the 25th week of my pregnancy.

The shock was all consuming. 

I recently told someone that it felt like it took my breath away and I still haven't been able to get it back.

That particular morning we had my monthly check-up scheduled. My doctor had wanted to do an ultrasound as Kanton had not cooperated fully on the previous ultrasound and she also wanted to check for growth. I was then going to see her after the ultrasound but we didn't make it that far.

As soon as the ultrasound started I knew something was wrong. There was no flicker of the heartbeat - the first thing I always looked for.

He wasn't moving.
He was just still.

I swallowed hard. My 4-year-old was sitting on a chair across the room watching something on my phone. The physical pain I felt in my heart in that moment was so profound. My heart was immediately broken for my baby but then there was this heaviness that went along with it as I longed to protect my 4 year old. Then my thoughts went to my other children... how was I going to tell them their baby brother had died? It was literally going to crush them.

Evidently I didn't react appropriately to the news that my son had died.... my silence was too much for the technician to ignore. She said, "You don't seem to be surprised. Did you already know about this?"

I didn't know how to respond to her.

If only she knew all that was going through my mind in that moment. I was literally having a battle between with my own grief and my desire to protect my other child who was in the room. I was swallowing my own grief because I knew if I were to let it out it was going to be something beyond what his little heart could bare.

From there things were kind of a blur. The technician said she was sorry several times. I could feel my husband squeezing my hand. At one point I know he said something to me but I couldn't tell you what it was for sure at this point. The technician left for a moment and then brought back another technician to confirm my nightmare - that there was indeed no heartbeat.

I just laid there in silence trying to force myself believe that this was indeed my new reality.

Then my precious 4 year old said the most heartbreaking words in his tiny little voice, "I am sorry about the baby, Mama."

Here I was desperately trying to find a way to protect him and he was sorry for me.

With that the tears began to stream down my face as I could no longer hold them back and I silently sobbed. I knew that my grief journey was just beginning.

Other posts in this series:

My Grief Journey
The First of the Hard Decisions 
Put One Foot in Front of the Other
Leaving Him Behind

///[Feel free to subscribe to keep up with my latest posts.]\\\






Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hello 2016

How is it 2016 already? It seems like yesterday I was 12 and then I blink and I am a wife and a mother of 5. Time sure does fly.  I have been doing a lot of reflecting to ring in the new year. I have been thinking about the things I accomplished in 2015... What I didn't... What I want to accomplish in 2016.  I think I kind of had the motto in 2015 to "just to better". Eat a little healthier. Exercise a little more. Get a little more organized. Make more memories. And I believe I accomplished all those on a tentative level. This year I want to use 2015 as a springboard and just keep doing better in 2016.  I am excited for this year. Probably more so than I have been in many previous years. I know it is going to be a great year.  Oh, and I plan on doing a whole lot more writing than I did in 2015. 😊
Post a Comment
Read more

When You Have No Words...

For as long as I can remember I have been a verbal processor.  Since I was a small girl I remember my chosen method of processing has been the written word. That is where I feel most comfortable with my own "voice".  For those of you who have followed us as family over the past decade or longer you know that while I was battling cancer I wrote almost every single day. It was how I could connect with God and how I could cope with the battle I was in. It was also the one way I knew that I could leave a piece of myself here for my husband and my children if God decided to call me home.  If you were following us two years ago you know when I gave birth to my sweet Kanton Jasper, who was born sleeping, that I spent a great deal of time writing about my grief and how I was processing it. Again, it helped me process along with preserved his memory.  Writing is just what I have been able to do to help me cope with the things that life throws at me.  In fact, I feel so m...
Post a Comment
Read more

Where Have I Been?

Recently I found myself in this place.  I don't really know how to describe it.  I felt like I was just completely closed off.  Like I had experienced so much heartache and pain in my life that I was just done.  I was done feeling.  I was definitely done being hurt. And if anyone had hurt me in the past - well I was done with them too.  After all, they had proven to be unsafe, unhealthy, and toxic to my life.  Why would I want to keep exposing myself to that?  I found myself in this place. And I didn't like.  I desperately wanted peace. And in my desperation I thought if I removed all the people that were robbing my peace... If I built those walls... If I just don't let them in... Somehow I would find peace.  But I was experiencing the exact opposite. And I was slowly beginning to give up on the idea that I could ever experience the type of peace I desired on this side of Heaven.  Several months ago I as invited to a conference and ...
Post a Comment
Read more