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The Beginning of Loss

Just like all journeys there always has to be a beginning. Ours occurred the morning of May 9th, 2019 when we found out our sweet Kanton Jasper no longer had a heartbeat and was in the arms of Jesus. I was in the 25th week of my pregnancy.

The shock was all consuming. 

I recently told someone that it felt like it took my breath away and I still haven't been able to get it back.

That particular morning we had my monthly check-up scheduled. My doctor had wanted to do an ultrasound as Kanton had not cooperated fully on the previous ultrasound and she also wanted to check for growth. I was then going to see her after the ultrasound but we didn't make it that far.

As soon as the ultrasound started I knew something was wrong. There was no flicker of the heartbeat - the first thing I always looked for.

He wasn't moving.
He was just still.

I swallowed hard. My 4-year-old was sitting on a chair across the room watching something on my phone. The physical pain I felt in my heart in that moment was so profound. My heart was immediately broken for my baby but then there was this heaviness that went along with it as I longed to protect my 4 year old. Then my thoughts went to my other children... how was I going to tell them their baby brother had died? It was literally going to crush them.

Evidently I didn't react appropriately to the news that my son had died.... my silence was too much for the technician to ignore. She said, "You don't seem to be surprised. Did you already know about this?"

I didn't know how to respond to her.

If only she knew all that was going through my mind in that moment. I was literally having a battle between with my own grief and my desire to protect my other child who was in the room. I was swallowing my own grief because I knew if I were to let it out it was going to be something beyond what his little heart could bare.

From there things were kind of a blur. The technician said she was sorry several times. I could feel my husband squeezing my hand. At one point I know he said something to me but I couldn't tell you what it was for sure at this point. The technician left for a moment and then brought back another technician to confirm my nightmare - that there was indeed no heartbeat.

I just laid there in silence trying to force myself believe that this was indeed my new reality.

Then my precious 4 year old said the most heartbreaking words in his tiny little voice, "I am sorry about the baby, Mama."

Here I was desperately trying to find a way to protect him and he was sorry for me.

With that the tears began to stream down my face as I could no longer hold them back and I silently sobbed. I knew that my grief journey was just beginning.

Other posts in this series:

My Grief Journey
The First of the Hard Decisions 
Put One Foot in Front of the Other
Leaving Him Behind

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