Skip to main content

My Grief Journey

Three weeks ago we found out our baby boy was gone. At some point his precious heart stopped beating and I became the mother of a stillborn.

This has been a tremendously difficult journey for me. My heart is broken. I simply have no other way to describe it. I miss my sweet Kanton so much and a day has not gone by that I have not cried for him. I don't expect to have a day without tears anytime soon.

I have prayed and prayed for God to help me find a way to use this for some sort of good. I am honestly not sure if I have heard an answer to my prayer yet or not but I do feel like God is asking me to share some of my grief journey now - something that honestly terrifies me but I will be obedient nonetheless.

I have been writing continually since we found out our baby boy was gone. For as long as I can remember writing has been a tremendous outlet for me and God has used it to help me find healing during some of my toughest battles. I pray it becomes that for me again as I grieve for my son. So I will be sharing some of what I have been writing here.

I can tell you that this journey has not been pretty. It has been raw, excruciating, and ugly at times. So if you are looking for something continually uplifting then this is probably not the place for you right now. If you are looking for something real - well then that is something I can offer.

I am not posting to receive any kind of sympathy. I am not looking for people to say things to me to try to make me feel better. I am simply needing a place to dump my soul and hopefully get enough of the pain and grief out to allow the light to shine in again.

So here we go...


Other posts in this series:

The Beginning of Loss
The First of the Hard Decisions 
Put One Foot in Front of the Other
Leaving Him Behind
Telling Our Children Their Baby Brother was Gone
Planning the Funeral

///[Feel free to subscribe to keep up with my latest posts.]\\\


Labels:

Comments

  1. UnknownJune 1, 2019 at 2:39 PM

    Please know that you are so very loved by so many, including me. When I was growing up, I also used writing as my means of coping with "life". What seemed like big problems then, were trivial, but at the time they were unsurmountable for me. Writing helped. And, it still does. I'm sure lots of us would like to be able to make things "all better" for you, but I recognize that we cannot, and that you will have to work your way through it as best you know how … with the help of our precious Father. One day we will see the big picture and be better able to comprehend the why's of things, but for now, just lean on Him knowing that He will see you through. I'm praying my head off for you. And I love you dearly.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownJuly 8, 2019 at 6:32 PM

    So many mothers need to hear your story, to know they are not alone in their grief. My eyes have been opened to the pain and grief that so many experience with infant loss, miscarriages, and stillbirth. Thank you for your courage to share it. I know it is not easy. I'm glad you shared your blog with me!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Peaceful Noise

I am a mom of five. My house is rarely quiet. My children make noise from sun-up to sun-down.  Between my baby's babbles, my 16 year old's deep conversations, and the other 3's seemingly constant requests there is someone always wanting my time and attention.  But if you sit and listen. Amongst the surface chaos you will find these moments of peace.  Peaceful noise.  When the squabbling stops and the encouragement begins. When they become each other's biggest fans. Their best advocates.  And their greatest defenders.  When one of the siblings puts their Legos down, sets their football aside, or puts a bookmark in their latest read to make the baby giggle and feel loved in a way only a big brother or sister can.  When you can hear your little one practice their new found skill of reading - you just can't help to beam with pride as you know they have just opened the door to a whole new world.  When you can hear them talk through a math problem they ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Random Ramblings from a 5 Time Mom

So for part of our Christmas this year we decided to take our kids to Disneyland. (More on this later.) While there this man struck up a conversation and he couldn't believe we brought all 5 of our children to Disneyland. Crazy concept - I know - taking ALL of our kids to Disneyland at the SAME time. We thought about making them all draw straws to see who we would leave at home but I couldn't find enough straws... Then we thought about leaving the baby behind but he was free and I can't say no to a bargain.... Just kidding!!!😊 But honestly, I hear this kind of stuff all the time. You should see when I take all of my kids to the grocery store, or better yet, a restaurant by myself. I want to tell people that I have 5 words for them.... I. Can. Read. Your. Lips. 😉 Most of the time it just makes me chuckle. (Unless they say something rude. Then I get irritated.) I know that the majority of the time people just don't understand it because they don't know it. If they k...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Funeral

I absolutely dreaded this day - May 16th, 2019. I just didn't want to do it. Once again, God spoke to my heart and just told me to put one foot in front of the other and He would do the rest. I remember that I put a baseball game on. The Minnesota Twins were playing and I needed to do something - anything - to keep my mind off what was to come. As much as I love the people in my life I knew it was going to be unbelievably difficult to be around them during this time. I knew the rawness of my grief was going to come out. There would be nothing I could do to hide it and I felt so unbelievably vulnerable and completely unable to protect myself from the hurt that I was experiencing. I didn't journal at all that day - I just couldn't. I was in this fog of all consuming grief and there was no processing of emotions to be done that day. The emotions won. They took over. There was nothing rational to be found. So I watched baseball until it was time to go. I did make a sp...
Post a Comment
Read more