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Children on Both Sides of Heaven

The complexity of our emotions has always amazed me. How you can have joy for something and be sad for something all at the same time?... Literally feeling two completely opposite emotions at once. How is that even possible? 

I absolutely believe God designed us that way for so many reasons but as I navigate through this grief I find myself in I can't help but to think He designed it specifically for this situation as well.

Feeling joy for something during sorrow brings hope and hope is essential. You lose hope you lose it all. I grieve with hope. 

Another example of this is having children on both sides of Heaven. 

When people say or think... she just needs to enjoy the children she has. Or, she just needs to be thankful for the children she has. Or, at least she has other children.  (Yes! People say these types of things.) I don't think they are fully understanding the situation - at least my situation as that is the only one I can speak for. 

So let me just clear things up on this subject from my perspective. I am absolutely 100% thankful for the children that I have this side of Heaven. In fact, they are the reason I get up in the morning. God uses them for that. He uses them to keep me going. They are His gift to me. His blessings. I see that and I do not forsake them for one second - even with a broken heart. 

I can tell you that since my son's loss I have not missed one soccer game (although I will admit that I did have to watch a couple of these from my vehicle as I was just not in a place to deal with the crowds of people yet). I have not missed one baseball game (unless I had two or more children playing at the same time, then I just had to pick one), I have continued to cook healthy meals for them (if you know me at all you know how important that is to me), I have continued to wash their clothes, clean the house, take them to the swimming pool (once).... I answer their questions about their baby brother even if tears fill my eyes... I have let them cry on my shoulder while I have fought back tears and I have cried with them. 

I do my best to pray in each situation and let the Holy Spirit tell me what they are needing from me in that moment - whether I need to be strong for them or if I need to grieve with them. I know I don't get it right 100% of the time but I do my best. 

Now I am not saying this is what a mom should or shouldn't do in my situation. It is just what has felt right to me. And there was plenty that I couldn't do. Like Mother's Day. I was not fully present on Mother's Day. I had just delivered Kanton two days before and was just released from the hospital the day before. I struggled big time to just be let alone be present for my kids' sake. I have had lots of moments like that in the past forty-nine days and will continue to have those moments. 

But the words that have kept going through my mind throughout this were the words of my oldest son when he was about 15. Someone asked what he would remember most about his mom and he said that he would always remember that I was "present". At the time I took that as a huge complement. That is certainly a goal I have set for myself as a mother. 

That is the standard I set for myself during this time as well. I wanted to still be present despite my grief. I wasn't going to hide my grief from them. I wasn't going to sweep in under the rug. I have been very open with them about this with them. 

The thing that kept going through my mind is that they lost their baby brother, they can't lose their mother too. So I battle. I battle hard to be present for them each and every day. 

I am not just thankful for my children this side of Heaven though. I am thankful for all of my children - even the ones waiting for me in Heaven. That means that just because I have children this side of Heaven doesn't mean I won't grieve for the ones waiting for me in Heaven. Due to the complexity of our God given emotions it is entirely possibly to take joy in my children here and still grieve for the ones I have lost. So just because I am still grieving for Kanton does not mean that I am forsaking my other children. 

As I explained to my children.... you know how much I love you as my children.... well I love Kanton just as much as he is my child also and because of that love I will grieve his loss for the rest of my life just as I will love you for the rest of my life as well. 
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