Andrea Gressman

I went into the room of my little boy, Cayse, the other 'morning while he was still sleeping and  saw these sweet little feet poking out from under his blanket. I was immediately taken back to seven years ago when I was actually pregnant with him.   I was diagnosed with cancer in 2011. I was placed in remission in 2012. We were told I would not be able to have any more kids due to all the treatment I had to receive so you can imagine our surprise when we found out we were expecting this sweet little man in 2014.  At that time, I was struggling every single day with fatigue. I was barely able to take care of the 4 kids I had and here God was going to hand me another baby... I was scared. Then you add our history of pregnancy loss and the fact that I had who knows what steadily pumped into my body for nearly a year prior to this pregnancy...  To top it all off, these sweet little feet.... Who would have known they would cause so much excitement. He would hold them just...

After I had Kanton the evening of May 10th it rained all night. I remember watching the rain drops slide down the hospital window. It matched my tears that slid down my face. I couldn't help but to think that the rain was somehow a message from God. I remember the smell of the rain as I held my baby boy. I knew that I would never experience a rainstorm again without thinking of Kanton. As hard as it was to sit and hold his lifeless body I knew from my past experiences that I needed to soak up as much of this moment as I possibly could. The few hours I was getting with him was a precious gift and I could not let my grief rob that from me.  Finally the nurse brought in a bassinet for me to put him in. I was so completely exhausted at this point on all levels. I laid him in it and laid next to him in the hospital bed. I just stared at his tiny body. I would doze off for a minute but wake up to see him - still gone. Every morning when I wake up the first thing that comes in...

Somehow I fell asleep the night we found out Kanton was gone. I was utterly and completely exhausted on all levels. However, when I woke up the next morning I wished I hadn't fallen asleep at all. Waking up to only realize the nightmare I thought I was having was actually the reality I was living was crushing. To this day I hate going to sleep because in my dreams Kanton is still here. But when I wake up in the morning it is like I have to relive his loss all over again. I have to remind myself that I am not pregnant any longer and the next time I will see him will be in Heaven. My journal entry from that day: We had to be at the hospital early to deliver Kanton, which was an hour and a half away from our home. I dreaded the morning but it came anyway. I forced myself to get out of bed and then I just sat there. I couldn't move. I asked God, "How can I do today?" He whispered to me, "Just put one foot in front of the other. I will do the rest."  I ...

Just like all journeys there always has to be a beginning. Ours occurred the morning of May 9th, 2019 when we found out our sweet Kanton Jasper no longer had a heartbeat and was in the arms of Jesus. I was in the 25th week of my pregnancy. The shock was all consuming.  I recently told someone that it felt like it took my breath away and I still haven't been able to get it back. That particular morning we had my monthly check-up scheduled. My doctor had wanted to do an ultrasound as Kanton had not cooperated fully on the previous ultrasound and she also wanted to check for growth. I was then going to see her after the ultrasound but we didn't make it that far. As soon as the ultrasound started I knew something was wrong. There was no flicker of the heartbeat - the first thing I always looked for. He wasn't moving. He was just still. I swallowed hard. My 4-year-old was sitting on a chair across the room watching something on my phone. The physical pain I felt i...

Three weeks ago we found out our baby boy was gone. At some point his precious heart stopped beating and I became the mother of a stillborn. This has been a tremendously difficult journey for me. My heart is broken. I simply have no other way to describe it. I miss my sweet Kanton so much and a day has not gone by that I have not cried for him. I don't expect to have a day without tears anytime soon. I have prayed and prayed for God to help me find a way to use this for some sort of good. I am honestly not sure if I have heard an answer to my prayer yet or not but I do feel like God is asking me to share some of my grief journey now - something that honestly terrifies me but I will be obedient nonetheless. I have been writing continually since we found out our baby boy was gone. For as long as I can remember writing has been a tremendous outlet for me and God has used it to help me find healing during some of my toughest battles. I pray it becomes that for me again as I gri...

Sweet baby Cayse is 17 months old today.  It seems like just yesterday that he was born.  I have loved every moment with this little man.  It has been such a gift.  He is beyond precious.  It is so fun watching him grow and learn each and every day - seeing his little (big) personality develop.  I am so thankful for my number five.  My beautiful boy. So blessed.