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Leaving Him Behind

After I had Kanton the evening of May 10th it rained all night. I remember watching the rain drops slide down the hospital window. It matched my tears that slid down my face. I couldn't help but to think that the rain was somehow a message from God.

I remember the smell of the rain as I held my baby boy. I knew that I would never experience a rainstorm again without thinking of Kanton. As hard as it was to sit and hold his lifeless body I knew from my past experiences that I needed to soak up as much of this moment as I possibly could. The few hours I was getting with him was a precious gift and I could not let my grief rob that from me. 

Finally the nurse brought in a bassinet for me to put him in. I was so completely exhausted at this point on all levels. I laid him in it and laid next to him in the hospital bed. I just stared at his tiny body. I would doze off for a minute but wake up to see him - still gone.

Every morning when I wake up the first thing that comes into my mind is that image of his tiny body laying in that bassinet - still gone. 

Sleep was minimal that night and the morning came too soon. Once again I dreaded the morning. The morning meant I was going to have to leave the hospital without my baby. I was tired of the hospital and I missed my other children so very much but I didn't want to leave him behind. The thought of leaving his body there was so painful. It still is.

Jason kept telling me that Kanton was no longer there. He was with Jesus. It was just his body there. I knew he was right but his body represented the last physical piece I had left of my baby and I just didn't want to leave him there.

The nurses had prepared a memory box for us which they gave us right before we left. It really is so beautiful and thoughtful. So I left the hospital carrying our memory box instead of our baby. It is impossible for me to describe how difficult that moment was for me.

We made the hour and a half drive once again in silence and did our best to prepare our hearts to go home and tell our children that their brother was gone. 



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