Waking up to only realize the nightmare I thought I was having was actually the reality I was living was crushing. To this day I hate going to sleep because in my dreams Kanton is still here. But when I wake up in the morning it is like I have to relive his loss all over again. I have to remind myself that I am not pregnant any longer and the next time I will see him will be in Heaven.
My journal entry from that day:
We had to be at the hospital early to deliver Kanton, which was an hour and a half away from our home. I dreaded the morning but it came anyway. I forced myself to get out of bed and then I just sat there. I couldn't move. I asked God, "How can I do today?" He whispered to me, "Just put one foot in front of the other. I will do the rest."
I didn't realize at the time that would be a common and constant theme of this journey.
I went on to write:
I got to the hospital and started filling out papers to even get admitted. I remember the lady having me sign papers consenting to treat my baby once he was born. She had no idea that he was no longer alive and there would be no treatment. I fought back the tears fiercely and just signed the paperwork anyway without saying a word.
I got to my room and they started asking questions like - what funeral home do you want to come and get your baby? Funeral home? I have no idea what funeral home I want.
We had to fill out paperwork for his death certificate - graciously, my sweet husband just took the clipboard from me and filled it out for me.
I put the hospital gown on and sat on the bed. I remember the silence was so heavy. The nurse was so kind. She did her job well. She said Kanton's name a lot. Each time she said it there was a sting to my heart but also thankfulness at the same time. His name was not going to be said very often, I knew that. So I was thankful for the times she did use it.
At one point the director from the funeral home came to meet with us. He was such a nice man and definitely gifted at his job. I am not sure how you come into a delivery room and sit before two grieving parents like he did but he did it well. He answered our questions - ones that I never knew I was even going to have to ask. Like, what was going to happen to my little boy? Where was he going to go? How long did we have to decide on where to bury him?
There was a photo of a yellow daffodil hanging on the wall across from the bed. I stared at it most of the day. I knew from then on whenever I saw a daffodil I would remember my sweet Kanton.
Normally I have very fast labors but I had a feeling that this one was not going to be that way. I was right. It was my longest and hardest labor. My body fought to keep him in. Perhaps it was my heart too, I don't know.
In the beginning I embraced the physical pain as it was something to distract me from the immense amount of emotional pain I was experiencing. But in the end I just found myself exhausted. I kept praying and asking God to be with me when I finally had him. I was so afraid it was going to be too much for me to bare.
At 6:50 pm on May 10th, 2019 I gave birth to my precious Kanton Jasper Gressman. I can honestly say that there was absolutely nothing left of me and God just completely took over. The nurse lovingly dressed him and wrapped him up in a blanket. My husband and I took turns holding him. I did my best to memorize his sweet face because I knew it was the one and only time I would get to see it until I see him again in Heaven.
Other posts in this series:
My Grief Journey
The Beginning of Loss
The First of the Hard Decisions
Leaving Him Behind
Telling Our Children Their Baby Brother was Gone
Planning the Funeral
The Funeral
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