Skip to main content

One Month Gone

One month ago today we found out Kanton's 
heartbeat was gone. 
I am not sure how it has been a month already as if feels like we just found out yesterday. 

 It has been a tough month. 
That is probably a huge understatement. 

 The grief is still so very raw.
I still cry everyday for my boy - several times a day.  

 Everything reminds me of him.
The birds.
The butterflies.
The rain. 

 I find myself staring at the clouds wondering what Heaven is like and what he is doing there without me. 

 I have read a lot of scripture. 
I have read several devotionals.
Some help more than others. 

 Being is public is still very hard for me. 
I feel like the emotions are just under the surface and I never know when something is going to cause them to overflow.
I find it to be a little easier when I am in a place where no one knows my story. 
But then in a second something - or nothing - can happen that brings all my emotions to the surface. 

 I went to church last Sunday for the first time since Kanton's funeral.
As soon as I hit the sanctuary the tears came and I cried all through worship. 

 Every once in a while someone asks me how I am doing. 
I say, "I'm okay," just because I don't know what else to say.
What do you say?
I'm grieving.
I'm broken.
I miss my baby.
All of the above.
I don't know what the right answer is. 
So I just say, "I'm okay." 

 Someone asked me the other day what my plans were for the summer. 
I didn't even know how to respond.
My plan was to have a baby. 
I didn't have a plan B. 
That is why this process is so hard.
The death of your baby literally shatters what you thought was going to be in a second.
No warning. 
Then your heart has to catch up to reality somehow. 

 I have cleaned a lot this past month.
I cook a lot.
I paint.
I write.
I watch a lot of baseball. 
I pray. 
And I cry. 

The fact remains that it has only been a month. 
I will keep having grace for myself as I continue down my grief journey. 

 My Grief Journey
The Beginning of Loss
The First of the Hard Decisions 
Put One Foot in Front of the Other
Leaving Him Behind
Telling Our Children Their Brother was Gone
Planning the Funeral
The Funeral

///[Feel free to subscribe to keep up with my latest posts.]\\\

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Grief Journey

Three weeks ago we found out our baby boy was gone. At some point his precious heart stopped beating and I became the mother of a stillborn. This has been a tremendously difficult journey for me. My heart is broken. I simply have no other way to describe it. I miss my sweet Kanton so much and a day has not gone by that I have not cried for him. I don't expect to have a day without tears anytime soon. I have prayed and prayed for God to help me find a way to use this for some sort of good. I am honestly not sure if I have heard an answer to my prayer yet or not but I do feel like God is asking me to share some of my grief journey now - something that honestly terrifies me but I will be obedient nonetheless. I have been writing continually since we found out our baby boy was gone. For as long as I can remember writing has been a tremendous outlet for me and God has used it to help me find healing during some of my toughest battles. I pray it becomes that for me again as I gri...
2 comments
Read more

The Funeral

I absolutely dreaded this day - May 16th, 2019. I just didn't want to do it. Once again, God spoke to my heart and just told me to put one foot in front of the other and He would do the rest. I remember that I put a baseball game on. The Minnesota Twins were playing and I needed to do something - anything - to keep my mind off what was to come. As much as I love the people in my life I knew it was going to be unbelievably difficult to be around them during this time. I knew the rawness of my grief was going to come out. There would be nothing I could do to hide it and I felt so unbelievably vulnerable and completely unable to protect myself from the hurt that I was experiencing. I didn't journal at all that day - I just couldn't. I was in this fog of all consuming grief and there was no processing of emotions to be done that day. The emotions won. They took over. There was nothing rational to be found. So I watched baseball until it was time to go. I did make a sp...
Post a Comment
Read more

Seven Years

Today marks 7 years of being “cancer free”. It is hard to describe how I feel about it - I have such mixed emotions to be honest. I posted a lengthy post on my personal Facebook page and I felt it fitting that I share it here as well. 7 years ago today I was declared “cancer free”. The truth is... once you are diagnosed you are never really “cancer free.” It remains apart of your life. If I am being honest I would tell you that I battle fear daily. Most of the time I can keep it in check but I do have my days - especially when I hear of a friend being diagnosed or even worse, when they lose their battle. Those moments are hard. The last 7 years haven’t been easy. I have dealt with extreme fatigue - especially the first 2 years into remission, I struggled daily to get out of bed and with 4 small children that was not a fun place to be. I have dealt with criticism that I “didn’t bounce back” quickly enough. The expectations of others that the day I was done with trea...
Post a Comment
Read more