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One Month Gone

One month ago today we found out Kanton's 
heartbeat was gone. 
I am not sure how it has been a month already as if feels like we just found out yesterday. 

 It has been a tough month. 
That is probably a huge understatement. 

 The grief is still so very raw.
I still cry everyday for my boy - several times a day.  

 Everything reminds me of him.
The birds.
The butterflies.
The rain. 

 I find myself staring at the clouds wondering what Heaven is like and what he is doing there without me. 

 I have read a lot of scripture. 
I have read several devotionals.
Some help more than others. 

 Being is public is still very hard for me. 
I feel like the emotions are just under the surface and I never know when something is going to cause them to overflow.
I find it to be a little easier when I am in a place where no one knows my story. 
But then in a second something - or nothing - can happen that brings all my emotions to the surface. 

 I went to church last Sunday for the first time since Kanton's funeral.
As soon as I hit the sanctuary the tears came and I cried all through worship. 

 Every once in a while someone asks me how I am doing. 
I say, "I'm okay," just because I don't know what else to say.
What do you say?
I'm grieving.
I'm broken.
I miss my baby.
All of the above.
I don't know what the right answer is. 
So I just say, "I'm okay." 

 Someone asked me the other day what my plans were for the summer. 
I didn't even know how to respond.
My plan was to have a baby. 
I didn't have a plan B. 
That is why this process is so hard.
The death of your baby literally shatters what you thought was going to be in a second.
No warning. 
Then your heart has to catch up to reality somehow. 

 I have cleaned a lot this past month.
I cook a lot.
I paint.
I write.
I watch a lot of baseball. 
I pray. 
And I cry. 

The fact remains that it has only been a month. 
I will keep having grace for myself as I continue down my grief journey. 

 My Grief Journey
The Beginning of Loss
The First of the Hard Decisions 
Put One Foot in Front of the Other
Leaving Him Behind
Telling Our Children Their Brother was Gone
Planning the Funeral
The Funeral

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