Mothering My Son Even Though He’s Gone

The other day I was reading an article from a mama who lost her daughter. She said that even though her daughter died she still had the strongest desire to continue on mothering her in any way she could. So she talked about her. Told stories about her. She acknowledged her life in every way she could.

It clicked.

That is the same desire I have for Kanton. It is my desire to continue on to mother him in any way I can. Hence the reason why I have put so much thought into where to bury him. Why I continue to talk about him and remember things like when was supposed to be his birthday. Why I fight so hard to keep the memory of him alive.

It isn’t because I want to sit in this grief. It isn’t because I “was” his mother. It is because I am his mother. You just can’t turn that off. It goes to the very core of who I am. It goes back to my purpose here on earth.

I know it is difficult for so many to understand. There are those who think that I should just move on already. But it isn’t quite that simple. He is my son and just because he isn’t here with me any longer physically doesn’t change that. I will be Kanton’s mother for all eternity.

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Hello 2016

How is it 2016 already? It seems like yesterday I was 12 and then I blink and I am a wife and a mother of 5. Time sure does fly. I have been doing a lot of reflecting to ring in the new year. I have been thinking about the things I accomplished in 2015... What I didn't... What I want to accomplish in 2016. I think I kind of had the motto in 2015 to "just to better". Eat a little healthier. Exercise a little more. Get a little more organized. Make more memories. And I believe I accomplished all those on a tentative level. This year I want to use 2015 as a springboard and just keep doing better in 2016. I am excited for this year. Probably more so than I have been in many previous years. I know it is going to be a great year. Oh, and I plan on doing a whole lot more writing than I did in 2015. 😊

Put One Foot in Front of the Other

Somehow I fell asleep the night we found out Kanton was gone. I was utterly and completely exhausted on all levels. However, when I woke up the next morning I wished I hadn't fallen asleep at all. Waking up to only realize the nightmare I thought I was having was actually the reality I was living was crushing. To this day I hate going to sleep because in my dreams Kanton is still here. But when I wake up in the morning it is like I have to relive his loss all over again. I have to remind myself that I am not pregnant any longer and the next time I will see him will be in Heaven. My journal entry from that day: We had to be at the hospital early to deliver Kanton, which was an hour and a half away from our home. I dreaded the morning but it came anyway. I forced myself to get out of bed and then I just sat there. I couldn't move. I asked God, "How can I do today?" He whispered to me, "Just put one foot in front of the other. I will do the rest." I ...

The Funeral

I absolutely dreaded this day - May 16th, 2019. I just didn't want to do it. Once again, God spoke to my heart and just told me to put one foot in front of the other and He would do the rest. I remember that I put a baseball game on. The Minnesota Twins were playing and I needed to do something - anything - to keep my mind off what was to come. As much as I love the people in my life I knew it was going to be unbelievably difficult to be around them during this time. I knew the rawness of my grief was going to come out. There would be nothing I could do to hide it and I felt so unbelievably vulnerable and completely unable to protect myself from the hurt that I was experiencing. I didn't journal at all that day - I just couldn't. I was in this fog of all consuming grief and there was no processing of emotions to be done that day. The emotions won. They took over. There was nothing rational to be found. So I watched baseball until it was time to go. I did make a sp...

Andrea Gressman

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