Mothering My Son Even Though He’s Gone

The other day I was reading an article from a mama who lost her daughter. She said that even though her daughter died she still had the strongest desire to continue on mothering her in any way she could. So she talked about her. Told stories about her. She acknowledged her life in every way she could.

It clicked.

That is the same desire I have for Kanton. It is my desire to continue on to mother him in any way I can. Hence the reason why I have put so much thought into where to bury him. Why I continue to talk about him and remember things like when was supposed to be his birthday. Why I fight so hard to keep the memory of him alive.

It isn’t because I want to sit in this grief. It isn’t because I “was” his mother. It is because I am his mother. You just can’t turn that off. It goes to the very core of who I am. It goes back to my purpose here on earth.

I know it is difficult for so many to understand. There are those who think that I should just move on already. But it isn’t quite that simple. He is my son and just because he isn’t here with me any longer physically doesn’t change that. I will be Kanton’s mother for all eternity.

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Andrea Gressman

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