Andrea Gressman

Two months ago today we found out our baby was gone. And in case anyone is wondering - no, it hasn’t gotten any easier. I still miss him every single moment of every single day. My heart is still broken. It certainly hasn’t gone away. I am absolutely not “better”. I still physically ache for his loss. I still cry every single day. Yesterday I was at a store and randomly the cashier told me that in August it will be 5 years since she lost her son. My heart melted. Then I felt this heavinesss to share with her that I just lost my son as well. Two months ago tomorrow, I said. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “It never gets easier and it never goes away.” Then she came around to my side of the counter and gave me a hug. I fought the tears as hard as I could but the emotions won. We both cried. She said, “It doesn’t matter how old they are when you lose them, you will miss him the rest of your life.” I know she is right. Every day there are sti...

This post is changing pace for me a bit. I still wanted to share as it was laid on my heart this morning as I was thinking of and praying for my children. We are a baseball family. Both my husband and I played ball and love the sport tremendously. Currently I have 4 kids playing on 4 different teams so that definitely keeps us hopping. My oldest played when he was younger but it just wasn't his thing and that is totally okay. We want our kids to play a variety of sports so they can get a feel for them all and then they are free to choose which ones they enjoy the most and focus on those. We do value sports in general a great deal as we do feel like you learn a variety of important life skills while participating. But that is a post for another day. My boys are all so very different. They have different likes and dislikes, different talents, and very different personalities. We do our best to help each one of them navigate through life and develop the character they need t...

Since losing my sweet boy church is one of the hardest places for me to be. As soon as worship starts it is like my soul becomes so vulnerable and raw... the emotions are right there at the surface. I have an encounter with Jesus every single time. I am not saying that is a bad thing. I am not saying that I shouldn't do it. I am just saying it is hard. It is the most raw and real kind of encounter. There is no playing it safe. No being timid. It is literally meeting my grief head on each and every time. I can feel the Lord pressing in and I have a decision to make... I can retreat or I can allow Him to press in and do the work in me that He needs to do in me. Again, this isn't easy. I feel so very deeply in these moments. The emotions are so strong. But I know if I want to make any progress in the grieving process I have to let myself feel. Ignoring these, pushing them aside, burying them, sweeping them under the rug, allowing myself to be and stay distracted - that...

The complexity of our emotions has always amazed me. How you can have joy for something and be sad for something all at the same time?... Literally feeling two completely opposite emotions at once. How is that even possible?  I absolutely believe God designed us that way for so many reasons but as I navigate through this grief I find myself in I can't help but to think He designed it specifically for this situation as well. Feeling joy for something during sorrow brings hope and hope is essential. You lose hope you lose it all. I grieve with hope.  Another example of this is having children on both sides of Heaven.  When people say or think... she just needs to enjoy the children she has. Or, she just needs to be thankful for the children she has. Or, at least she has other children.  (Yes! People say these types of things.) I don't think they are fully understanding the situation - at least my situation as that is the only one I can speak for....

Shortly after the funeral we started getting calls and texts for other life things. Bills showed up in the mail, our kids/'schedules carried on, my husband's work schedule resumed.... the world kept going and I didn't... I wrote the following in my journal: "My world has stopped - but no one else's did. How do you keep on functioning in a world that keeps moving when you are at a stand still?" The best way I can describe it is like I am in a fog. I don't want to be but just like a real fog you don't have a lot of control over it. It is just the reality of being in deep grief I guess. In all honesty I am not resentful or bitter that other people's worlds have carried on. That's just life. It wasn't their child that died. But I do have a hard time with those who expect the same from me. Just being real here which I promised from the beginning of this process that I would be. I can tell you the sweetest words I have heard through th...

I recently read an article written by another mama of a stillborn. It was the one year anniversary of her loss. She made the comment that she was surprised at how many hard days she had experienced in the last year. She thought that when she found out her little boy was gone that would be the worst of it but she had experienced many hard days since then - some she felt were even harder. There is so much truth here. At least for me there is. I would think there would be no harder moment than finding out my baby no longer has a heartbeat. But then there was. Then I would think there would be no harder time than the 33 hours from the moment I found out he was gone to when I delivered Kanton. But then there was. Then I would think there would be no harder moment than leaving him at the hospital, or going to the funeral home, or his funeral... I just kept thinking that if I could survive this moment or that moment that it would get easier. I especially thought this after his funeral. ...

One month ago today we found out Kanton's  heartbeat was gone.  I am not sure how it has been a month already as if feels like we just found out yesterday.  It has been a tough month.  That is probably a huge understatement.  The grief is still so very raw. I still cry everyday for my boy - several times a day.   Everything reminds me of him. The birds. The butterflies. The rain.  I find myself staring at the clouds wondering what Heaven is like and what he is doing there without me.  I have read a lot of scripture.  I have read several devotionals. Some help more than others.  Being is public is still very hard for me.  I feel like the emotions are just under the surface and I never know when something is going to cause them to overflow. I find it to be a little easier when I am in a place where no one knows my story.   But then in a second something - or nothing - can happen that brings all my emo...