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Church is Hard for Me Right Now

Since losing my sweet boy church is one of the hardest places for me to be.

As soon as worship starts it is like my soul becomes so vulnerable and raw... the emotions are right there at the surface.

I have an encounter with Jesus every single time. I am not saying that is a bad thing. I am not saying that I shouldn't do it. I am just saying it is hard.

It is the most raw and real kind of encounter. There is no playing it safe. No being timid. It is literally meeting my grief head on each and every time.

I can feel the Lord pressing in and I have a decision to make... I can retreat or I can allow Him to press in and do the work in me that He needs to do in me. Again, this isn't easy.

I feel so very deeply in these moments. The emotions are so strong. But I know if I want to make any progress in the grieving process I have to let myself feel. Ignoring these, pushing them aside, burying them, sweeping them under the rug, allowing myself to be and stay distracted - that will not help me or my family in the long term. Because the truth is that I will either feel and process these emotions now or they will continue to resurface at the same level until I do.

There are these moments that you have to meet them head on and church, for me, brings that about head on.

It brings me to my knees.

It is also the place where I can make the decision to say....

I still love you Lord even though my heart is broken.
I still love you Lord even though I hurt so badly.
I still love you Lord even though I am grieving so deeply.
I still love you Lord even though you didn't save my baby.

Here is the tricky thing about faith... choosing to still have it even when something doesn't go your way. Faith is easy when everything is going your way.

Choosing to see that God is still good and loving even though you lost big... that's a bit more challenging.

I can say with my whole heart that I have the deepest faith that He has a good plan for my life - even though it doesn't feel very good right now. But even more so.... I know he has a good plan for Kanton's life. My faith gives me the most precious of gifts. First, my own salvation. But my faith also means that my son also has eternal life and I will see him again. I choose to continue to have faith.

I know my mama heart desperately wants my sweet boy here with me. That isn't going to change until I get to Heaven and see him again. And I am not going to apologize or feel bad for feeling that way because God is also the one that wired my mama heart the way He did. But my faith in the Lord is greater than that and I choose to trust in Him.

So, I will keep going to church... even though it is hard for me right now.

Other posts in this series:

My Grief Journey
The Beginning of Loss
The First of the Hard Decisions 
Put One Foot in Front of the Other
Leaving Him Behind
Telling Our Children Their Brother was Gone
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Comments

  1. UnknownJuly 8, 2019 at 6:28 PM

    Thank you for sharing your story and struggles, Andrea. I agree that church is so hard. I just lost my son 2 weeks ago. I haven't been back to church yet, but my husband and I, along with our three living children, have been having church at home. It has been a wonderful time of praise and discussion about God along with his will for our lives. I know I will have to go back to church in another week or so, because you are right, that is a great place to come face to face with Jesus and are meet our grief head on. I lost another son 2 years ago and experienced the same struggle. After many months I was able to sit through a service without all of my ugly cries. But sometimes sitting at the feet of Jesus and just weeping in your pain is what you need to heal as I am sure you have experienced. I am sorry for your loss and the grief you are experiencing. Praise the Lord this is not our home and we will see our babies again one day. Praying for you!

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